


A Scandal in Belgravia in Quicktime

by Sunnyrea



Series: Sherlock in Quicktime [4]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, Gen, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-11
Updated: 2012-01-11
Packaged: 2017-10-29 09:17:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/318286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunnyrea/pseuds/Sunnyrea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A crack telling of episode 1 of seaosn 2! Like my <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/139440">A Study in Pink in Quicktime</a>, <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/139769">The Blind Banker in Quicktime</a>, and <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/141663">The Great Game in Quicktime</a> stories of the last season I have struck again to bring humor and crack to our lovely episodes!</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Scandal in Belgravia in Quicktime

**Author's Note:**

> I was going to wait until all three episodes were shown to write these but with all the fear and angst at the coming of Reichenbach I thought I should do this now and bring some laughs to our tense fandom. Enjoy.

**Intro:** Looooooooooooook, its last season. In case you forgot.

 **Fandom:** We haven’t. Have you seen tumblr?

 **Jim:** Remember all my old lines!

 **Sherlock:** Um, still got my gun on your bomb vest.

 **Jim & Sherlock:** *STARE DOWN*

\---BEE GEES BREAK WITH AMUSING IRONIC MUSIC---

 **John & Sherlock:** Da fuck?

 **Jim:** Don’t be jealous of my ringtone.

 **Fandom:** We are.

 **Jim:** Moooooooom!

 **Irene:** Hi honey.  <3

 **Jim:** Not my usual sex game…

 **Irene:** Look, you can’t kill them now, we need a series 2.

 **Jim:** Aw, but I like killing.

 **Irene:** I can make Sherlock love me, get him all hot and bothered then leave him high and dry.

 **Jim:** I wanted to do that.

 **Irene:** Give me episode 1, you can have episode 3, and we’ll give John episode 2 just to be nice.

 **Jim:** Deal.

 **Irene:** Throw in shoes?

 **Jim:** Don’t be cracky.

 **Sherlock:** Not to interrupt…

 **Jim:** Gotta go, snapping time.

 **John:** So…

 **Sherlock:** I’m sure that phone call couldn’t have been related to us.

\---OMG NEW CREDITS!!!!!!!!---

 **John:** Look how much faster I type!

 **Sherlock:** What are you typing? Are you blogging? Is this about me? I know it’s about me! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

 **John:** Look at all the cases we have and look at all the book references!

 **Lots of random people:** TAKE OUR CASE!

 **Sherlock:** No. I’m rude.

 **Kids & Ash guy: ** We’re relevant to the plot!

 **Sherlock:** HA! Right. You don’t even have name credits!

 **John:** MY BLOG IS SO POPULAR. I’M INTERNET FAMOUS!

 **Sherlock:** My blog is better.

 **John:** No one reads your blog.

 **Sherlock:** DO TOO!

 **John:** I’m tumblr. You’re Myspace.

 **Lestrade:** OH SNAP!

 **Sherlock:** *BITCH FACE*

 **Lestrade:** Well then, what about this German guy in the boot?

 **Sherlock:** Er…

 **John:** HA! FAILOCK!

 **Sherlock:** Shut up! I have a blow torch!

 **John:** …

 **Sherlock:** And cue iconic hat shot.

 **Fans:** AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

 **Book Fans:** Canonically he never wears that. *snap snap snap*

 **Random dude:** I can’t fix my car.

 **Soon to be dead dude:** *stands*

 **Random dude’s car:** PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!

 **Random dude:** What’s your issue!?

 **Now dead dude:** *is dead*

 **Lestrade:** Yo.

 **Copper:** um…

 **Lestrade:** Don’t punch Sherlock; John’ll do it later.

 **Copper:** Do I even get a name?

 **John:** Hi.

 **Sherlock:** I’M WEARING A SHEET. YES, WE ARE GOING TO NEW HEIGHTS OF CRAZY THIS SEASON!

 **John:** It’s really nice and green here! You’ll be sad you didn’t come. We could have had a holiday. A big gay holiday.

 **Sherlock:** We’ll do that in Hounds.

 **Doorbell:** Ding ding

 **Sherlock:** I HATE DOORBELLS!

 **John:** So, dead guy.

 **Sherlock:** PSH! EASY!

 **Copper:** Wait, what?

 **Suit:** Mr. Holmes.

 **Sherlock:** Da fuck?

 **Suit:** Kidnapping time. Get dressed.

 **Sherlock:** Hell no. I only get dressed for John… wait.

 **Ginger Copper:** I’m adorable!

 **John:** Shouldn’t you be telling me about the helicopter?

 **Ginger Copper:** I’m still adorable!

\---Overhead shot of the palace bitches!---

 **John:** Um… sheet.

 **Sherlock:** It’s mostly clean.

 **John:** So, you’re naked under that sheet?

 **Sherlock:** Yep.

 **John:** Naked?

 **Sherlock:** No doubt.

 **John:** Naked at Buckingham palace?

 **Sherlock:** It’s how I roll.

 **John:** Approved.

 **Mycroft:** Sherlock! You’re embarrassing me!

 **Sherlock:** QUEEN!

 **Mycroft:** I am rubber, you are glue!

 **Harry:** Hello, I am delightfully upper class and snooty.

 **Mycroft:** We should get married!

 **Harry:** PS – the royal family likes your blog, Dr. Watson.

 **John:** WINNER!

 **Sherlock:** So, wtf, client?

 **Harry:** An important one.

 **Sherlock:** LEAVING!

 **Mycroft:** *troll*

 **Sheet:** I am done covering this boney batch.

 **Fans:** AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

 **Sherlock:** Stop ruining my exit!

 **Mycroft:** Stop being prettier than me!

 **John:** Stop holding up the sheet.

 **Sherlock:** What?

 **Mycroft:** What?

 **John:** You heard.

 **Harry:** Okay…

\---And now we put on clothes, crushing the hearts of all Cumberbitches---

 **Mycroft:** So, here’s our ‘cover story.’

 **Harry:** You get a lady villain this time.

 **Mycroft:** And she’s a dominatrix.

 **Sherlock:** Interested.

 **John:** *jealous*

 **Irene:** Hello Sweetie  <3

 **Jim!text:** Sending hottie shots.

 **Irene:** Got my masturbation material for tonight!

 **Sherlock:** So?

 **Harry:** Photos.

 **Sherlock:** Should I pose?

 **Harry:** Lesbian ones.

 **Sherlock:** Dull.

 **John:** **NOT** dull.

 **Mycroft:** No ransom though.

 **Sherlock:** Power play? I read a fic like that.

 **Harry:** So?

 **Sherlock:** Stealing an ash tray.

 **Harry:** Have my lighter.

 **Irene:** Time to play dress up!

 **Kate:** I’ll get the video camera.

 **Sherlock:** Time to play dress up!

 **John:** I’ll get the riding crop.

 **Irene:** Ironic!

 **Kate:** Can we have a real lesbian sex scene before the boys get here?

 **Irene:** Well, I am wearing my battle dress.

 **Kate:** Score.

 **Sherlock:** Punch me in the face.

 **John:** Okay.

 **Sherlock:** No, wait! You’re supposed to have reservations about hurting me!

 **John:** Nope!

\---PUNCH – PUNCH – OMG LOOK AT US FIGHT. JOHN = BAMF---

 **John:** When John Watson has a bad day people die!

 **Sherlock:** No fandom memes.

\---Ding ding---

 **Kate:** Hello obvious fake?

 **Sherlock:** *wibble* John was mean!

 **Kate:** Are you dressed like a vicar?

 **Sherlock:** Look how cute and sad I am!

 **Kate:** The price of admission is one bang for the redhead.

 **Fans:** SO MANY GINGERS!!

 **Sherlock:** Ha ha! Inside using my oh-so-clever disguise.

 **Irene:** Hello sexy!

 **Sherlock:** NAKED!? DOES NOT COMPUTE.

 **Everyone in the fandom:** …I have a girl crush.

 **Irene:** Let’s skip the plot and have sex on my couch, holy man.

 **John:** …

 **Irene:** And now it’s a threesome.

 **Sherlock:** My computer brain is stalling… should not have downloaded Vista.

 **John:** ….

 **Irene:** Blinded by my perfection?

 **Sherlock:** Stick to plan, stick to plan…

 **Irene:** Aw, you’ve got a wound. Sorry you had to punch your boyfriend, John.

 **John:** PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!

 **Irene:** I’ll wear the coat.

 **Cosplayers:** JEALOUS!!!

 **Irene:** So, what’s up with dead field guy?

 **John:** Buzah?

 **Irene:** You’re not getting my photos, so impress me instead.

 **Sherlock:** Speech is difficult.

 **John:** Sooooooo, you busy later?

 **Sherlock:** GUARD THE DOOR, JOHN!

 **John:** …cock block.

 **Sherlock:** And cool transition to the field.

 **Irene:** My couch is coming along.

 **Sherlock:** Car back fire, standing sport guy, soon to be dead because…. Class?

 **Irene:** Er…

 **Sherlock:** Ooo, I’ll have to mark you down for that.

 **John:** See? We are using the lighter!

 **Irene:** FIRE ALARM! MY ELECTRONIC BABY!

 **Sherlock:** HA! Fooled you! Wall safe, hello.

 **Irene:** …fuck.

 **Sherlock:** Let me analyze this key pad.

 **Irene:** If you were straight you’d know the code.

 **CIA:** I WILL FUCKING SHOOT YOU.

 **John:** You’ll get yours later.

 **CIA:** EVERYBODY ON THE FLOOR.

 **Sherlock:** Please tell me this isn’t a sex game?

 **CIA:** Open safe, please!

 **Sherlock:** Don’t know the code.

 **CIA:** Not my problem!

 **Sherlock:** Bitch, plz.

 **CIA:** Shoot Dr. Watson.

 **Sherlock:** JK, NO, I’LL OPEN IT!

 **CIA:** I like threatening people.

 **Irene:** I’m going to discretely look down at my chest. Not a signal or clue. Nope.

 **Sherlock:** I hope my mental measuring tape works…

 **John:** Why is it always me? Always ‘let’s shoot John’ or ‘let’s attach him to a bomb.’

 **Irene:** Whiner.

 **Sherlock:** VATICAN CAMEOS!

\---EPIC SLOW-MO FIGHT SCEQUENCE---

 **Fans:** DAT ASS.

 **John:** …I didn’t get to do anything.

 **CIA:** Owie.

 **Sherlock:** Got your phone.

 **Irene:** I will cut you.

 **John:** Field trip upstairs?

 **Kate:** I’ll just lie here, shall I?

 **Sherlock:** Do de do, I totally win.

 **Irene:** DRUGGED YOU!

 **Sherlock:** Shit, forced relapse!

 **Irene:** SLAP A BITCH!

 **Sherlock:** Holy fuck, it’s blurry!

 **Irene:** Give me my fucking phone!

 **Sherlock:** No! I called claimsies!

 **Irene:** RIDING CROP BEAT DOWN.

 **Fans:** AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

 **Sherlock:** Ow, okay, ouch, have it!

 **Irene:** Why thank you, honey. I knew you liked it rough.

 **Sherlock:** …riding crop fantasies cementing.

 **John:** Omg, what did you do to my boyfriend and did you take photos!?

 **Irene:** Time for BAMF escape out of the window on a rope.

 **John:** …legs.

 **Irene:** PS – Sherlock totally checked out my smoking hot bod.

 **Sherlock:** *gurgle*

 **John:** It’s okay, honey, this’ll make a great hurt/comfort fic.

 **Irene:** OMG! I figured out your field guy case!

 **Sherlock:** These transitions are making me nauseous…

 **Irene:** BOOMERANG! Damn, your mind is sexy!

 **Sherlock:** Can’t… sentence… properly.

 **Firefly Fans:** I GET THAT!!!

 **Irene:** Enjoy your coat  <3

\---Magic, we’re home---

 **Sherlock:** JOOOOOOOHN!!!

 **John:** Y’ello?

 **Sherlock:** WOMAN, WOMAN, WTF, WOMAN!?

 **John:** Uh… nope, but Lestrade filmed you on his phone. Up on facebook now.

 **Sherlock:** I am impersonating a drunk giraffe.

 **Doctor Who Fans:** I GET THAT!!!

 **John:** Let me just man handle you to bed.

 **Irene!text:** _Ahh, baby, right there!_

 **Sherlock:** Um… I should probably change that sound…

\---221B Baker Street, now with egg cups---

 **Sherlock:** Whatevs! It’s totally fine. I lost the phone on purpose. Toooootally fine.

 **Mycroft:** What. The. Fuck.

 **Sherlock:** It’s totally fine!

 **John:** Cept that Sherlock has a crush on her and I’m jealous…

 **Mrs. Hudson:** You’re a bad big brother.

 **Mycroft:** Shut up, old lady!

 **Sherlock & John:** WHAT YOU SAY!!?!

 **Mycroft:** Er… JK.

 **Irene!text:** _Ahh, baby, right there!_

 **Everyone:** *stare*

 **Sherlock:** SO! Government secrets on her phone?

 **Mycroft:** Maybe.

 **Sherlock:** Totally.

 **Mycroft:** James Bond reference!

\---Violin transition---

 **Sherlock:** Yes, we are actually having a Christmas party!

 **Lestrade:** Why did I even come to this? Don’t I have real friends?

 **John:** Look! New girlfriend.

 **Sherlock:** You mean new beard.

 **Jeanette:** I was under appreciated in The Hour too.

 **Molly:** HI, HI, HI!

 **Sherlock:** Meh.

 **Molly:** SEXY DRESS.

 **Lestrade:** Jaw, meet floor.

 **Sherlock:** John’s blog is so much more interesting.

 **John:** Let me lean over you in my Christmas sweater.

 **Sherlock:** Can I unwrap my present?

 **John:** Hee hee, deer stalker.

 **Molly:** I love chit chat.

 **Sherlock:** And you love being over dressed, excessively hair styled, over large earrings, and fancy wrapped present for your Mr. Right.

 **John:** This is going to hurt…

 **Sherlock:** I’m sure this well wrapped present is… totally for me…

 **Molly:** I’ll just go kill myself, okay?

 **Everyone:** Awkward.

 **Sherlock:** …sorry, Molly.

 **John:** ALL MY SHOCK AND AMAZEMENT.

 **Irene!text:** _Ahh, baby, right there!_

 **Everyone:** Hold up!?

 **Sherlock:** …

 **Irene!text:** Left you a present. Now I shall die. *dramatic hand to forehead* FAREWELL!

 **Sherlock:** …it’s her camera phone. *sniff*

 **John:** *CREEPIN*

\---WE LOVE BARTS---

 **Fake!Irene:** *soooooooooo dead for real*

 **Mycroft:** I was hoping to go to the morgue on Christmas!

 **Sherlock:** I am having a complex internal reaction to this event.

 **Molly:** Dislike.

 **Mycroft:** Cigarette?

 **Sherlock:** I’ll take ten.

 **Mycroft:** And ready for the brothers money shot.

 **Film Majors:** LIKE.

 **Sherlock:** Emotions suck, right?

 **Mycroft:** Right.

 **Sherlock:** Cool… *sniffle*

 **John:** Search for drugs is result negative.

 **Mycroft:** Cancel your girlfriend plans.

 **John:** Shit.

 **Jeanette:** Just get gay married already!

 **Sherlock:** SAD VIOLIN MUSIC!!!

 **John:** Um.

 **Sherlock:** Your blog counter is stuck.

 **John:** And?

 **Sherlock:** IDEA.

 **Phone:** 1895? Uh, nooo.

 **Book Fans:** AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

 **Random Girl:** Hi.

 **John:** Hiiiiiii.

 **Random Girl:** Get in the car.

 **John:** Oh.

\---Dun dun dun abandoned something industrial like building dun dun daaaaaah---

 **John:** Mycroft, how do you know so many obscure creepy locations?

 **Irene:** Hi. Need my phone back.

 **John:** _Displeased._

 **Irene:** Oh come on, of course I can fake die.

 **John:** Well, you best better make my boyfriend happy again or I’ll go army John on you.

 **Irene:** Remind me to get you an engagement present.

 **John:** JK, not gay.

 **Irene:** And I don’t have lots of sex with women.

 **John:** Oh, mental image.

 **Irene:** Texted him.

 **John:** ….ps - he’s still MY boyfriend.

 **Irene!text:** _Ahh, baby, right there!_

 **John & Irene:** Oh shit, twist!

 **Sherlock:** ALL THE FEELINGS! I float on air like magic…

 **221B Baker Street’s Door:** *sniffle* Ow.

 **Sherlock:** Analyzing.

 **Mrs. Hudson:** DAMSEL IN DISTRESS!

 **Sherlock:** OH. NO. YOU. **DIDN’T.**

 **CIA:** Yo! Give me phone.

 **Mrs. Hudson:** *whimper whimper whimper*

 **Sherlock:** Okay, sure, check if I’m armed.

 **CIA:** Sounds legit.

 **Sherlock:** FUCK YOU, HEAD BUTT.

 **Mrs. Hudson:** Why are we all getting punched this episode?

 **Sherlock:** It’s okay surrogate mom, I’m going to seriously injure him!

 **John:** Da fuck?

 **Sherlock:** Time to cause some pain.

 **John & Mrs. Hudson:** Witnesses leaving!

 **CIA:** This feels like karma…

 **Sherlock:** American bitch, meet window.

 **Window:** Meet pavement.

 **Lestrade:** Should I charge you or something?

 **Sherlock:** Naw.

 **John:** Poor Mrs. Hudson!

 **Mrs. Hudson:** Stop leaving the phone around it is worth £17,300, you idiot.

 **Sherlock:** <3

 **Mrs. Hudson:** _HBIC._

 **John:** So… Irene…

 **Sherlock:** *whistles*

\---And now we’re at Barts again!---

 **Sherlock:** Scanning your phone!

 **Molly:** Why the hell do I like you?

 **Sherlock:** This is one crazy phone, bombs included!

 **Molly:** So… your girlfriend’s phone?

 **Sherlock:** You think I’d x-ray my girlfriend’s phone?

 **Molly:** Without a doubt.

 **Sherlock:** IDEA FOR PASSCODE.

 **Phone:** 221B? PULEZ!

 **Molly:** HA! I mean…

\---Back at Baker Street… time passes???---

 **Sherlock:** *SNIFF* I smell sexy woman.

 **John:** …I’m a man.

 **Sherlock:** And don’t I know it.

 **Irene:** *sleeps*

 **Sherlock & John:** So?

 **Irene:** People are, like, trying to kill me and stuff.

 **Sherlock & John:** Uh huh.

 **Irene:** Need my phone.

 **John:** Um, it’s so totally not here.

 **Sherlock:** It’s in my pocket.

 **John:** God, you’re whipped.

 **Irene:** Gimmie.

 **Sherlock:** Passcode?

 **Irene:** Nope.

 **Sherlock:** Is it 1234?

 **Irene:** Um… passcode fail.

 **Sherlock:** HA! FOOLED YOU!

 **Phone:** Uh, no.

 **Sherlock:** er…

 **Irene:** FOOLED _YOU!_

 **John:** Baby name, Hamish.

 **Sherlock:** What kind of middle name is Hamish?

 **John:** What kind of first name is Sherlock?

 **Irene:** At least it’s not Benedict.

 **Sherlock:** Who would ever be named Benedict?

 **Fans:** *squeal*

 **Irene:** Here, decipher this e-mail.

 **Sherlock:** I LOVE PUZZLES!

\---Slow-mo solve the code scene, and by ‘scene’ we mean 8 seconds---

 **Sherlock:** It’s a plane, Heathrow, tomorrow night, to Baltimore – number pairs, seat numbers, no number 13, obviously British and I am still a BAMF.

 **John:** *swoon*

 **Irene:** Let’s fuck, right now in front of John.

 **Sherlock:** Make that ‘with John’ and you’ve got a deal!

 **John:** Should… be… objecting… um, Bond reference?

 **Sherlock:** Bond reference?! My spidey senses.

 **Irene:** *discretely texting* I am so good.

 **Jim:** oooooo! I expect video!

 **Irene:** Already on facebook.

 **Jim!text:** Any seats left on your plane, Mr. Holmes?

 **Mycroft:** Fuck my life.

\---ooooo violin and mood lighting---

 **Sherlock:** Historical reference!

 **Irene:** *purrr*

 **Sherlock:** …um… John?

 **Irene:** Just me, cheekbones.

 **Sherlock:** …

 **Irene:** Have you ever had anyone?

 **Sherlock:** Had anyone what?

 **Irene:** Sex.

 **Sherlock:** Missionary? Doggie Style? 69? In a bed? Against a wall? Shower? With handcuffs? In the kitchen? Anal? Oral? Blind folded? Dressed up? Top? Bottom? Threesome?

 **Irene:** …any.

 **Sherlock:** Then no.

 **Irene:** Let’s have dinner.

 **Sherlock:** No.

 **Irene:** You can’t say no, we have to flirt and get all close.

 **Sherlock:** No means no.

 **Irene:** I have a sexy brain.

 **Sherlock:** nnnggghhh.

 **Mrs. Hudson:** COCK BLOCK!

 **Suit:** Yo.

 **Irene:** *discreetly flee*

 **Sherlock:** Can we get a take away on the way?

\---Plane full of dead people in creepy lighting---

 **Sherlock:** Um.

 **Mycroft:** YOU FUCKED UP EVERYTHING!

 **Sherlock:** LOL not!

 **Irene:** *ahem*

 **Sherlock:** Oh.

 **Irene:** I have so many secrets this phone has a terabyte of memory.

 **Computer Geeks:** ooooooooo!

 **Mycroft:** Stop being so classy, bitch.

\---There is a lot of mood lighting in these last scenes---

 **Irene:** _I WIN._

 **Mycroft:** *woe*

 **Sherlock:** *grump*

 **Irene:** Here is my long list of demands.

 **Mycroft:** …hover craft?

 **Irene:** Don’t question.

 **Sherlock:** *GRUMP*

 **Irene:** Jim says hi.

 **Mycroft:** I know.

 **Sherlock:** OMG. HE DIDN’T TEXT ME!

 **Irene:** And you’ve got nicknames – the iceman and the virgin.

 **Sherlock:** Which is which?

 **Mycroft:** I hate you both.

 **Sherlock:** JK, WAIT. I KNOW YOUR PASSWORD!

 **Irene:** Psh, whatever.

 **Sherlock:** You have the hots for me.

 **Irene:** Not even; I’m totally dating Kate.

( **Kate:** IT’S CANON, YOU CAN’T TELL ME NO!)

 **Sherlock:** And I’m dating John, point?

( **John:** So canon it hurts.)

 **Irene:** Well, what then, pretty boy?

 **Sherlock:** Pulse.

 **Irene:** Fuck. Science.

 **Phone:** I AM SHER-LOCKED.

 **Fans:** OMG, ME TOO!!!

 **Irene:** Do you expect me to talk?

 **Sherlock:** No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!

 **Mycroft:** *hums Goldfinger*

\---ooo scene change to umbrella---

 **John:** Um.

 **Mycroft:** I’m allowed to smoke, I’m the older one.

 **John:** So, Irene?

 **Mycroft:** Witness protection.

 **John:** Really?

 **Mycroft:** No.

 **John:** Fuck.

 **Mycroft:** But we’re going to lie to Sherlock to protect his fragile barely made heart.

 **John:** Deal.

 **Mycroft:** PS – Piratelock.

 ** **Fans:** ** AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

 **Sherlock:** Doin’ my experiments.

 **John:** So, about Irene…

 **Sherlock:** Oh, really? What? Hmm? Feigning interest.

 **John:** Uh… she’s, um… safe?

 **Sherlock:** I totally believe you.

\---FLASHBACK---

 **Irene:** Bye bye text.

 **Irene!text:** _Ahh, baby, right there!_

 **Sherlock:** Feel the power of my sword!

 **Irene:** I knew hitting him with the riding crop would pay off later.

\---Present---

 **Sherlock:** FIN.


End file.
